Kiwi

If someone brings a fruit salad with kiwi, you’re like “Awesome! Kiwi!”

Later, when you come back for seconds, you just end up digging through it looking for scraps of mango. because they never put enough goddamn mango.

Irony

Video Game industry is chock-full of copycats. I’m very surprised someone hasn’t copied our game yet, says video game developer who copied Diablo 2’s loot system and shoehorned it into a Unreal Doom Wolfenstien clone.

http://www.gamespot.com/news/borderlands-has-zero-competition-says-gearbox-6388314

Where even is this?

Vilkas Emoclownface asked me a long time ago to go fetch some families’ glass bow (Who the crap makes a bow out of glass? Idiots, that’s who.) way up north of Markarth. “No way” I said. “I hate Markarth. Fuck that place with a thorny stick.” Much later, the asshole IN CHARGE of Markarth says, “Hey. Go get my daddy’s shield. It’s way up north of Markarth.”

Turns out, these places are not only RIGHT NEXT TO each other, you have to go THROUGH one to get to the other. “FINE! I’ll go already! But I won’t like it.”

I didn’t. One place was swarming with a-holes wearing goat-head caps. One of which had super-swords that hurt like THE WORST PAIN EVER. Of course, they’re like, super-crappy when they’re not in the hands of SWORDGODOFGOATPEOPLE. The other place was swarming with witches and some crazy old birdlady who was doing her best impression of “Fire Flower Mario.”

Markarth-guy was so happy to get his shield he “let me” buy a house. JOY! I get to live in the festering butthole of Skyrim! (Maybe that’s Windhelm. A NEW CONTENDER!) It’s a giant house full of…air I guess. Not much in there except my brand new Man-Lydia. I mean, there’s STUFF, but, I stab-face for a living. What the hell do I want fine china for?

How did Vilkas Emoclownface reward me? “Hey. Some dude got kidnapped. I’m busy. Go rescue him? He’s way up north of Markarth.” FUCK.

Dear Diary,

FINALLY.

I was able to get in some adventuring last night. It had been a few weeks.

Last time, I was going to start exploring the West side of Skyrim, and it turned out that the 2 pieces of that knife are West-ish.

Recap: Some guy in, I forget the town name, has a museum. His family were big-deals. He asked me to retrieve 3 pieces of some broke knife that was important to his family. I had found one piece a while ago, but I was way East and didn’t want to trek to the other side of the map… until now.

So, the three of us (me, Meego – dog, and Lyd) set off on a short walk to get 1 knife piece. Turns out that this one castle / keep / ruin was way up in the mountains and off the paved roads. There was a trail, but it wasn’t clearly marked. And when you get close to the place, it’s pretty eerie looking – craggy mountains, mist, broken spires, etc. Walking up to the main entrance, I hear “Hey! That’s close enough!” And I spot a guy guarding some door. And very soon after that, another guy comes flying out – swords blazin’. CUT! He dies. Then the first guy comes at us. SLICE! He dies too. It seems that this door is the only way higher up, so we climb the stairs only to discover 2 more flame throwing bad guys. They die quickly. Then, arrows! From where? Arg! Those guys! So we go after the arrow guys, and for the most part kill them. Until one guy – with a sword – decides to get into the mix. OH! And he brought along a Troll. Stab. Stab. “What? Where? Ouch.” Dead.

Hrm… Let’s do that again. Repeat from the start. Except this time, Meego decides to jump in front of each flamin’ arrow I let fly. Meego – dead.

Hrm… I like the dog. Let’s try that again.

Ok, this is working now… Sword guys – dead. Flaming guys – dead. Arrow guys – dead. Troll! Sword! Ahhh. damn.. Meego! Ok, fine. Meego is dead. This wasn’t the first time that he’s jumped in front of my sword. Maybe he just wasn’t meant to be a part of the team. Moving on…

Lyd and I make our way through a very dark and booby-trap laidened dungeon. Killing everyone in our path, we make our way to the top and discover a Hagraven. Did I spell that right? Anyway, she dies fairly easily because got hung up in the stairs and was confused while I stabbed at her face. Oh look! She’s got one of the knife pieces! Cool.

Hey, what’s that chanting noise? Yes! Another shout!

Ok, Lydia. Let’s got South a bit and get the last knife piece.

 

 

Dear Diary,

It’s been awhile. Packing, moving, ME3, etc.

Last night, however, we made our way to Markarth. I had realized that I had been focusing on the eastern side of the map, so I decided to go over to the west side and explore around there.

A long time ago, I met up with this cannibal woman who told me that she wanted this certain priest to die. If I convinced him to follow me back to the cave where she and her other cannibal friends lived, then she’d give me something cool. I’m not cool with people eating people, but she had something I needed so…

This priest lives in Markarth. I convinced him to follow me (us – Lydia is still around, so is Meego the dog). We all get to the cave, and there are quite a few people down in there. And I know all of them! WTF? You’re all cannibals? Uhg… So, the priest is now laying on the table and it’s my job to kill him. I am having serious second thoughts about all of this too, but I don’t really see any way out of it. Item for a life. I mean, I don’t even know this guy, right? … So, I take a deep breath and go for it. I take a swing and BAM!! I hit the main lady and NOT the priest! WAHT?! Holy shit! All hell breaks loose and I’m fighting everyone now. After the bloodbath, the priest is alive and he says to me, “What happened? You saved my life! Thank you!” And he walks away to go live his life. I gotta say, that even though I lost the item (no idea what it was or why i needed it… doesn’t matter), I felt good about not killing that guy for those a-holes to eat.

Now, I guess it’s time to explore around the eastern side of the map…

Banshee

As a life-long fan of boobies I was disturbed to find that I was in no way attracted to the christmas-tree-light-nipples of the Banshee. And that was before she started screeching and throwing glowing balls of who-knows-what at me.

Sayings…

“Something bad is happening!”

Mass Effect 3, being killed by a Banshee for the first time.

 

“Eat shit, assface!”

Mass Effect, killing random bad guy.

It’s funny because if he’s got an ass for a face, well then, I’m sure he’s already eaten shit before. Not much of an insult, right?

Dear Diary,

Ok… A few weeks ago, Lydia and I came across this boarded up shipping company. I forget where we were, but it was somewhere weird and off the path. I was told some story about how pirates made it unsafe to ship things anymore and that I should help them out. Fast forward to last night…

Lydia and I are in Windhelm, and we decide to check out the shipping situation. I find the guy in charge, and he tells me that his rival is a cheater and that she’s in cahoots with the pirates who have been f’n things up. And could I go steal her log book to prove all this. Normally, I don’t like to get involved with these kinds of things because I don’t know who’s right and who’s wrong, and I don’t want to inadvertently help out the baddies. But pirates are pirates… so i go to steal the book. Turns out that the lady in charge is someone who i’ve helped out before…weeks ago. Hrm… conflicted? Anyway, she walks away and I steal the book. I walk next door, give it to the guy, and he says “Yeah. She’s in with them. Go talk to this other guy to find out who’s in charge.”

Long walk later… I talk to a guy about a guy. Long walk back… Now they want ME to take care of the problem.

Lydia and I get on a boat (along with other guys) and set sail to fight the pirates. When we get there, the chief says, “You’re strong. My guys aren’t. Go kill the main dude, and we’ll wait here.” Arg… ok. So, Lydia and I head off.

Inside, it’s the usual, but slightly stronger, bandit types. ‘Cept these guys are called Bloodsomethings. We kill a bunch of them, and make our way to the main dude. The bad part is that he’s a super strong wizard who can kill you (lighting) with 3-4 zaps. After getting killed 2 times, Lydia and I formulate a plan. Pretty much consisting of rush the f’er the heal after almost every zap. Good thing is that it totally worked, AND Lyd didn’t die! She got REALLY close though. Phew… that dude was a bitch.

Now, I gotta go back and report that he’s dead and to come on it and… BOOM! WTF? Fire bombs? Is this a dragon? Bodies flying everywhere… Holy shit, what is going on? Lydia and I fight off a few remaining bad guys and run down the beach to see what is happening. I see the chief and run up to her. She tells me that she saw me kill the main bad dude and so they started fire bombing the place. “Um… you could have waited until we we out of the area.”

“Nah… we wanted to get a jump on everyone. Hope you’re ok with that.”

“F’ off, bitch. Take me home”

Dear Diary,

Lydia and I continued our trek into the wizard den of evil. And it turned out to just be a bunch of f’ckrs doing some f’ed up shiz. Since I don’t like people like that, I cut them into ribbons. Maybe that makes me just as bad as them? Maybe…

So after that, we find ourselves outside of this fort looking stronghold. Not knowing if they are good or bad, I go into sneak mode and draw my bow and arrow. You should totally see me try to sneak in my 1,000 lbs of ebony armor. I must look and sound amazing. Anyway… as we approach, I see a guy shooting arrows at a flippin’ giant! Danger of a giant wins over the arrow dude, so I let some flaming arrows go his way. The three of us make quick work of him. Then I notice that the other guy is an ork and he’s cool with me helping out. So we walk on in the encampment and discover some intrigue going on. Apparently, their chief is sick and they want me to help them out with a giant problem. They also want this other ork to actually kill the giant in question. So, the three of us set off to his cave. Btw – this ork is trouble. I just know he is. He’s giving me nothing but lip.

We get to the cave and it’s my job to keep him alive while we make our way to the giant. Slice! Dice! And we’re there. Then the guy says, “Hey. I don’t want to do this. You do it and I’ll give you some cash.”

“Fine. a-hole.”

Several flaming arrows and swording later, the giant is dead.

Then the f’n ork says, “Nice. And now I have to kill YOU.”

So, we fight and I cut him to pieces. Then the ork god, with his booming voice says, “Cool. That guy was a turkey anyway. You rule.” Lydia and I take the giant’s trophy back to the ork camp and let them know that the mean ol’ giant is dead. It happens to come out that the other ork was a dickhead and he’s dead. But the ork god yells at them to get their shiz together because some outside (me) just did their dirty work for them.

Now Lyd and I decide to go take care of this “Find me a vial of white goo” quest. We head off to the Forbidden Cave of Forbidden Sorrows and Forbidden Forbiddeness, or something. A LONG WALK later, and we get there.

Turns out that this place is one of those Drugar resting tombs You know, the kind where they all come back alive and try to kill you? Yeah. These places always make me feel kind of odd. I mean, sure I don’t want to die so I kill all the zombies, but aren’t the zombies dead Nords? It’s like I’m re-killing my brothers or something… Ok anyway… Lyd and I make it all the way to the end. There’s nothing special about it. You’ve seen it before. This is where it gets funny though.

We open the large door and look into the grand chamber. Ahead is a single, large tomb. Swinging blades block our path so we have to time our entrance well or be sliced up. Dash! Dash! And I’m in! BAM! The cover to the tomb flys open and out crawls a rather large Drugar. BAM! he shouts at me and my sword flies from my hands! Ack! Luckily, I found it and re-equipped it rather quickly. So Lyd and I go to work on the (now) 4 Drugar. And as I am taking care of them, I hear “Uhg…” and see Lydia die. DAMN IT LYD!

Restart.

We open the large door and look into the grand chamber. Ahead is…. yeah, yeah. We book it in and go to work on the Drugar. SLICE! DICE! They all die! “Awesome, Lyd! High Five!”wait… “Um… Lydia? Hello?” She’s totally gone. Not dead. Just gone. I looked everywhere for her. No sign. Did she run away? Did she get thrown into the rafters? No frickin’ clue. DAMN IT LYD!!

Restart.

We open the…. LET’S DO THIS!! This time I give them all a good pushback shout which spreads them all out so I can take them on one at a time. This plan works and Lydia survives. BARELY. Damn it woman. Take some healing potions! Then I notice (and hear) that there is a new shout near by. I approach it and it gets all swirly. WHOOOOOO HA! I seemed to have learned “Murder. Kill them all” or something rather gruesome like that. But it’s late and so Lydia and I decide to camp for the night.

 

Alien

“Yaphet, Crybabypeepants, you seal off the junctions.” Said Tom Beardface.

“Ash, you keep doing that nothing you’ve been doing. But keep it in the medlab, all right?”

CA-CLANG-CLANG!

“I’ll go into the airshafts.” Said Ripley.

CLANG-CLANG!

Cold and determined, Tom Beardface turns to Ripley, “No, I’ll do it.” He says, with finality.

CLANGY-CLANG-CLANG!!

“All right people, let’s get to work.” Shouts Tom Beardface as he struts off camera. Barely audible over the cacophony of his and Ripley’s huge, cannon-ball like balls.